Losing a dream on a bet: Why we are not moving to New York (at this point)
Today I saw an ad on Craigslist for a job in NYC for my husband that would have been perfect in getting us to the city, with an income, with housing all set up, and the ability for me to stay home with our baby. He qualified down to the detail in the three-page requirements outline. I brought the listing to lunch in order to show him the job, but honey wasn’t exactly thrilled. (New York is as far as it gets from HIS dream location of “somewhere in the forest.”) After a difficult hour spent discussing the pros and cons of actually moving, we came to the conclusion that he will not be thrilled to move, and I will not be dissuaded to want to move there. So my husband, the wise man that he is, took out a penny and asked me to pick a side. I picked heads. It was tails. I lost the bet, so we are not moving to New York.
Here is why I will probably not give up on my dream of moving to NYC:
I understand that when you go heads/tails, it is a very fair and manly thing to do, and if you lose that bet, you need to tough it out like a man. Well, I’m a woman, so I can’t do that. I toughed it out at lunch, but right now I’m kind of a mess of sadness, anger, tears, and despair (not really this dramatic). So reason #1 is I’m not a man, so I will not lose a bet like a man, and therefore do not consider this a final say in my lifelong goal of moving to New York.
#2 is that I have a feeling he may have rigged the outcome. That penny didn’t fly high enough and why was it him that should be throwing it in the first place? So I am not taking the result at face value.
#3 My husband mentioned that he feels uneasy about moving if he hasn’t heard a word from God. So I’m gonna wait for that word, because to date God has not failed once to communicate to honey separately what he has already communicated to me. (I guess this was another situation in which I should have just shut up and waited). In the meantime, on the car ride back from lunch, God reminded me of the word He has given me for this marriage. This verse has come to me over and over again in different situations and from different perspectives. Now it came in yet another light.
“Therefore humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God, that He may exalt you at the proper time, casting all your anxiety on Him, because He cares for you.” 1 Peter 5:6-7
I might share more on this in another post, but let’s just say that our relationship didn’t start out in a typical lovey-dovey manner with pink glasses and no faults. We dated for 3 intense weeks pretty much knowing that we are called to marry each other. In those weeks we had long and very serious conversations that dissected every inch of one another’s life, and searched out any excuse for the other person to back out. We basically flaunted our flaws up front, and put down our unyielding demands in advance. It didn’t make sense to either one of us, and it was uncomfortable. That’s when God gave me the first part of that verse: “Humble yourselves under the mighty hand of God.” It was only after my spiritual breaking point of letting go of certain aspects of my life, and surrendering everything to God, that He reminded me that the verse has a second part to it: “that He may exalt you.” For the first year of our marriage I lived on hope of that verse, as God painfully pruned both of our characters. But the longer we are married, the more I see that step by step this marriage has exalted me in ways that I cannot begin to describe, and served as a jump-start to some of my wildest dreams becoming a reality. It makes sense now that we couldn’t be a better match for one another, and of course God knew that in advance! I am just thankful that both of us were obedient enough to follow through.
Today in the car God gave me the third part of the verse: “at the proper time.” I guess patience truly is virtue. Since I am a firm believer that God leads the family through the husband, I’m going to practice what I preach, let go, and let God do His work either in my husband’s heart, or in my heart, so that honey will want to move to NYC as well, or so that my lifelong dream is completely eradicated from my mind and I become absolutely content with where I am right now.